The bullshit they show on that show is no nightmare, it’s just people that are really stupid. To have the opportunity to own your own restaurant and piss it away is pure stupidity. Having rotten chicken on your walk in or microwaving entrees to order is a pure lack of caring. Luckily, I have never seen a cook fuck with a customers food. I have heard horror stories, but have never witnessed it. I have seen plenty of cooks do gnarly shit to servers food and even each others, but never a customers. . You want to hear some real kitchen nightmares? These are actual things I have witnessed in kitchens throughout the years (I may or may not have been involved, I take no responsibility).

* Walking in the employee bathroom and catching a dishwasher “tugging his tamale” with his cell phone in the other hand and his apron still on

* Getting a blowjob from a waitress in the walk in while leaning against the door so nobody can walk in on you.

* Smoking a joint in the dishpit and exhaling into the exhaust fan ………. during service

* Doing lines off of anything and everything in the kitchen. Some examples include: the pass, a chef knife, prep tables, dinner plates, the back side of sheet trays and even an occasional toilet in the bathroom.

* Specials consisting of things that are anything but “special.”

* Chefs telling cooks to “sell it anyway” when they should be saying “what the fuck is that, did you shit on that plate.”

* Front of the house staff filling their empty bellies with customers leftovers instead of scraping the plates in the garbage.

* Chefs doing their “grocery shopping” in the walk in of their restaurant and then bitching about food cost

* A very drunk chef acting out scenes from Scarface in the bar of their own restaurant with a room full of customers

* A bar manager bringing his own register into work and ringing in drinks on it all night and pocketing the cash

* Cooks turn one portion of a protein into 3 on the fly (we really make magic happen sometimes)

* A pastry chef sleep on a bed made of dirty linen bags in the locker room so his drunk ass could be on time for his shift in the morning (he was still late)

* A cook who thought the granita for the oysters was actually ice shaved from the walls of the freezer…..and served it

* A late night family meal of pasta made with kief butter

* A chef smoke so much weed on a shift, he spent 2 hours staring at the flame in the pizza oven

* A dishwasher spend his entire shift washing dishes topless because his “shirt got wet”

* A chef hand his cooks a recipe printed off of the food network website,  and tell them that is what we are running as the special for the evening

* A breakfast cook being so drunk he can barely stand up, but yet he can sling over easy eggs like a motherfucker

I have always wanted to see an accurate depiction of kitchen life on television. I think it really could be a huge hit. No bullshit “chef” yelling at fake line cooks or cooks being forced to make amazing food out of a mystery bag full of dicks and quinoa. Im talking about uncensored line cooks working their asses off and being dirt bags. It could be golden.

Today I ate at a sushi restaurant.

Today I witnessed a bunch of shitheads at that sushi restaurant.

Today I thought of a list of things I hope to never see at a sushi restaurant ever again.

1. People rubbing their chopsticks together before using them. You’re not trying to start a fire to cook your fish dumbass. It’s supposed to be raw. I assume that is what you are trying to do.

2. Bullshit “Americanized” Sushi. The “Philadelphia Roll?” Cream cheese does not belong in a sushi roll. When I think of delicious sushi, the last thing that comes to mind is Philadelphia. When I think of Philly, I think cheesesteaks the birthplace of The Fresh Prince.

3. People ordering teriyaki. Stop being a pussy and order sushi. The thought of eating raw fish gives you the heebie-jeebies? Leave the restaurant and go find yourself a Big Mac. After you finish eating it, please go fuck yourself.

4. Don’t adopt a shitty “Asian” accent when ordering. No bullshit, today I witnessed a guy try to order with the most the most offensive faux accent I have ever heard. After his order, he proceeded to put his hands together and bow his head. I really wanted to kick his ass.

5. White Chefs. Traditional sushi chefs spend years learning how to make rice. The slave over getting it perfect before they are even allowed to touch fish. The last thing I want to see when I enter a sushi place is some Le Cordon Bleu graduate in a sad excuse for a Karate Kid costume making my sushi. They probably could make a mean teriyaki chicken though.

I imagine this chef was a young man when it happened. He was probably asleep dreaming of one day being a lawyer, a tax accountant or a fireman when they came. The door of the family home was torn from the hinges in a violent fury. He was woken from his dream by the anguished screams of his mother.

Terrified, he ran into the family room only to see the salmon on full attack. One bit off his father’s arm with a sickening crunch splashing gore across the room splashing across the boy’s Winnie the Pooh pajamas. His mother ran into the kitchen only to be cornered by another pair of the giant fish. They toyed with her chasing her between them on massive fins until finally laughing and tore her in two.

The boy had sunk to his knees, broken, his father’s blood spreading in a pool in front of him. Somehow the dismembered man was able to squeak out the words ‘get them, my son. Make them pay.’ His words ended with a sudden crunch as his head was splintered by the mighty jaws of the one of the largest salmon in the room.

Soon they circled around him. He awaited his own death. Instead, inexplicably the salmon laughed and quickly exited the house leaving the boy crying and alone with the blood, the carnage, the destruction.

‘Yes, father. I will get them. Oh, yes I will…’

Or at least that is what I hope happened.

You truly have to watch this to really get the understanding of why I am hoping that this man’s family was killed by salmon and he has vowed revenge. Why else would he so savagely destroy this noble fish?

At first you I thought he might be alright. Why would you videotape yourself cutting a fish if you were not good at it? The beheading was done well. The knife is very sharp and heavy. It takes the head off with ease. He even removes the first side basically nicely. However at the 36 second mark you see what looks to be about a quarter inch of flesh left on the skeleton.

It then goes bad. What happens during the two cut scenes I am not certain, but I think in the director’s cut he is seen ejaculating upon the still to be fully brutalized salmon.

The way he takes off the skeleton is savage and without remorse. How much meat is left upon it is of no consequence. This is the salmon that killed his mother after all.

At the 1:33 mark he is taking off a lot of bone and flesh from the top side of the fillet. Why? Nobody willingly does this when breaking down a salmon.

The removal of the rib bones seems a labor. He is not cutting apart a cow here. This is maybe a ten pound salmon. Knowing someone who has the very same deba, I know it is a great knife. This guy is just a sadist bent on vengeance against all salmon kind.

At 2:29 my stomach turns as he has flayed the creature of it’s skin and is now just shredding it. He is documenting on video the fact that he has no technique and should be ashamed. I am ashamed for him.

Finally he pinbones the fucking thing and begins to portion it. Observe his lack of a scale. He is so good he doesn’t need one, ladies and gentlemen! Look at the way he just tossed the uneven portions around not worrying if he is tearing the flesh.

After all of his amazing work we have six uneven, inconsistent portions per side. Fuck me.

I truly expected him at some point to just start hacking at the fish like a maniac.

I can only take solace in the hopes it was a piece of shit farmed Atlantic salmon and not something wild that might require skill and respect when cutting.

Not everyone is Morimoto when it comes to fish fabrication, but this was just staggeringly bad. And to videotape it and post it on the internet for other people to see is just asking for derision.

You sir, despite your great knife and music video are a hack! Trade that knife for a hammer and start making shoes!

Pre Service

- Peeling Garlic
- Plucking Thyme
- Skimming Sauces
- Trimming Filet
- Frenching Chops
- Removing Pinbones in Salmon
- Slicing Chives
- Flipping out Your Mise into Clean
Pans
- Crossing the Final Things off of
Your Prep List

Mid Service

- Clearing the Rail
- Slicing Meat and Realizing it is
Cooked Perfectly
- When You’re Fully Weeded and You
Look Up For a Second to See a Hot
Blonde with Ginormous Bazookas
Being Ushered to Her Table
- Tasting a Perfectly Reduced Sauce

Post Service

- The First Ice Cold Beer
- The Second the Shitty Food
Encrusted Boom Box Gets Switched
Back On
- Hearing the Covers Count
- Switching the Lights Off and Hearing
the Door Close Behind You

Let me further explain by stating that none of these are a guaranteed moment of Zen. Most of these things can be a huge pain in the ass if you’re not in the perfect situation. But then again, if you would have shown up earlier you could have probably stopped to enjoy them. I almost forgot the most Zen-Like moments ever………….Getting a Blow Job in the walk-in.

Now please enjoy these photos I boosted from former dishwashers’ Facebook pages. They are the hardest working motherfuckers on the planet, but they also play hard. I’m sure you can tell.

-I’m a cook, not a photographer

I don’t give measurements or recipes

-I’m sure you can figure it out

I don’t tell you when to season

-You should know that or you shouldn’t be cooking

THE LAMB

Boned. rolled and tied lamb leg, marinated overnight in red wine

Vacuum seal with garlic,  a bunch of butter and thyme

Sous vide for 24 hours at 60 degrees celsius

Pat dry and season

Brown with a few thyme sprigs in a mixture of half olive oil and half butter

Baste it like it’s your job, and you love your job

Flip it and continue to do your job

Remove from the pan and give it a rest

Slice it with a sharp knife. If your knife is not sharp, you are more than likely not sharp. Write that down.

—————————————————————————————————————-

THE SAUCE

Start with some lamb ribs. If they are unavailable use some other sort of meat and bone combination.

Sear the ribs

Add some thyme and a little butter

Add half and onion and a head of garlic cut in half.

Deglaze with red wine and reduce by half

Add beef stock to cover and simmer for a few hours

Strain

Mount with butter just before service

—————————————————————————————————————-

Mushrooms and Melted Leeks

Cut mushrooms and let dry out on a towel overnight. Dry mushrooms make crispy mushrooms, and mushrooms should always be crispy. (I used crimini and chantrelles)

Working in small batches, start in hot oil and finish in cold butter

While they are crisping, slick your leeks thin. Make sure to impress your audience with amazing knife work.

Remove the mushrooms and in the same pan add leeks and a bunch of butter.

Cook low and slow until leeks are “melty”

Add a touch of cream and cook until it is all absorbed

Add the mushrooms back and incorporate

—————————————————————————————————————-

THE PLATE

Respected for her net worth? Yes. Respected for her cooking skills? No.

Respected for her awesome boobies? Yes. Respected for her cooking skills? No

There is no such thing as an average female line cook. They are either complete badasses or pretty much worthless. There have been a few select women that stick out in my mind as being instrumental to what food has become. They have overcome what is often considered a “man’s world,” and made a name for themselves. And those women are:

Alice Waters

Respected for: Shaping west coast cuisine, leading the organic movement, having one of the most amazing restaurants of all time, making people think about what they are eating and where it came from, first woman to ever be named the James Beard Foundations Best Chef in America (1992)

Alumni: Mark Peel (Campanile), Dan Barber (Blue Hill), Judy Rogers (Zuni Cafe), Suzanne Goin (Lucques), Jeremiah Tower (Stars), Paul Bertolli (Fra’ Mani), Jonathan Waxman (Barbuto), Michael Tusk (Quince), April Bloomfield (The Spotted Pig)

Julia Child

Respected for: Encouraging people cook good food at home, making French food approachable, bringing food to television, inspiring so many people

Judy Rodgers

Respected for: Authoring one of the most useful and well written cookbooks of all time, making the simplest of foods elegant, the best roast chicken of all time

Suzanne Goin

Respected for: Bringing Los Angeles back into fine dining, working her employees hard while accepting nothing short of perfection (I was one of them),  being a leader in the fresh/local food movement

Resume: Chez Panisse, Olives, Alain Passard

Elena Arzak

Respected for: Expanding the legacy her father started in Spain, innovative cuisine, running one of the most successful and highly acclaimed  restaurants in Europe, being insanely talented

Resume: La Gavroche, Louis XV, Pierre Gagniere, El Bulli

Nancy Silverton

Respected for: Making the best bread in the world, bringing the bakery back into the spotlight, branching out and bringing artisan style pizza into California cuisine, awesome hair

Summary

I have had the opportunity to work with and for some amazing women in my career. They have had an amazing work ethic along with great attention to detail. The funny thing is, the best pastry chef I have ever worked with was a heavy metal loving, semi-alcoholic, unshaven dude.

BONUS:

THE GREATEST MUSIC VIDEO EVER MADE

1) Yelp/Citysearch

These websites have turned any piece of shit out there into Ruth Reichl or Frank Bruni. Housewives everywhere now have an outlet to be a restaurant reviewer. So much of the public’s opinions regarding the total restaurant experience are completely uneducated. Opening up restaurant reviews to people that have no clue what they are talking about is highly dangerous. With the popularity of these websites growing, restaurants could see a real hit. The website http://fuckyouyelper.tumblr.com/ highlights some of the shitty things people write in there bullshit reviews. Here is my favorite:

Well, I’ve never even eaten here. So why, you ask, do I even bother to rate this place? Because I did walk in here, sit down, and read the menu. Then I looked at my friends and said, “There’s no way I can eat this.” It was all grease and fat and a whole buncha yuck jumbled together. NO WAY. Im just not into that kind of eating or food combinations..so Not appealing to me. So we left. yet, its a local institution of sorts. Oh well.

Aside from the horrible grammar and punctuation issues, this review was seriously amazing. Considering it was for a Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. The name of the restaurant pretty much states what you’re getting into.

The actual sites themselves are to blame as well.  They often “filter” out positive reviews based on the reviewer not having enough reviews on their profile. This is supposed to prevent the business from writing false reviews about themselves, but that is not always the case. Not everyone wants to review everything that they do or see. Some people would simply like to be able to review things here and there.

I have actually seen businesses offer rewards or discounts based directly on their customers leaving them positive reviews. This type of thing not being able to be filtered completely invalidates these websites too.

2) Groupon/Living Social

These websites have there place in this world, just not in restaurants. Offering your food at a large discount just to get people through the door is culinary suicide. It reeks of desperation and has the potential to seriously hurt a restaurant. The type of people that come into the restaurant for a half price dinner will more than likely not be willing to return and pay double for the same meal. The sheer hit that something like that can do to your food cost is huge. It has the potential to totally fuck your business. Not only are you losing the price of the discounted meal, but you also have to pay the website a percentage of each coupon sold. 

They won’t tell you this when they contact you about being a part of their business.  They will fill your head with facts about how awesome their company is and have tons of examples of successful businesses that have benefited from their program. Think about it this way. You have a $24 entree on your menu that you’re going to sell for $12. You then give the company $6 of that. It doesn’t make all that much sense now, does it?

To sum it all up, the internet will destroy the entire restaurant business. Not really, but it has the potential to seriously hurt a few restaurants.

And now, for no reason at all, I present to you a brief timeline of my career, in picture form.

It all started with a little man and his love of food

Soon after I was making awesome wedding cakes

I peaked, with pork

I retired. Now, I cook for a party of 4 with the most talented sous chef of all time

I can have open beers on my station and take my sweet time

And then I end up right where I started

1) Throughout the day, anything that even mildly resembles a dick will in fact be used as one.

Various sexual activities will also be simulated with said objects

2) After a long, tiresome day in the kitchen we will all go out together. While we are out, we will consume large amounts amounts of alcohol. After consuming the alcohol, we will tell each other how much we love each. Occasionally, we will prove our love for one another.

3) Camera phones have changed everything. Things that you used to do just to get a laugh, are no longer private. Someone will take a picture and capture the moment forever.

So let’s wrap this up before it gets out of hand. Cooks love each other and we are not afraid to show each other. I’m not sure if any other professions out there have the camaraderie that kitchens do. I consider my fellow cooks to be an extension of my family. We understand each other and like to be around one another. It’s not gay at all, I promise.

Bonus Pictures:

Dishwashers are the epitome of fashion

Nudity is always funny

The Concept

The overall vibe to the restaurant would be small and modern. Tan paint with some chocolate brown accent walls. Minimal artwork and mild, intimate lighting. It would need to be small, between 40 and 60 seats with a few more high-tops and stools at the bar.  The tables would be dark, polished wood without tablecloths. No bullshit like candles or wine bottles on the table, maybe just a small peppermill and a vessel for salt. The music would be louder than most restaurants with a wide range of music. Everything from the Pixies and The Cure to A Tribe Called Quest and The Pharcyde. The feeling would be relaxed and unpretentious, with the focus being on the food rather than the décor.

The Kitchen

* The kitchen would be setup in five basic stations:

1. Fish:  This station would be run by the single greatest line cook I have ever worked with, Lorenzo. His station would consist of a six top range and a French top to the right that he would share with the meat station. A long salamander would be located above him and stretch the length of the line. All fish entrees, as well as hot apps would be fired on his station.

2. Meat:  Owning this station would be a man I would trust on the line, no matter the circumstance. His name of Ryan, unless you are a Hispanic, which then his name becomes Bryum.   His station would consist of a large charcoal grill and the other half of the French top that he shares with Lorenzo. Not only would he be responsible for all meat entrees but he would act as the saucier as well. Constantly reducing and mounting sauces on the flat top.

3. Pasta: This would be my home away from home. I would be positioned at the end of the line and act as expeditor as well. I would produce all the pasta dishes as well as veg for the other entrees.

4. Cold:  The cold station would be located directly across from the hot line, creating a alley in between for food to be picked up.  It would be a 2-man station ran by interns and “virgins” (the idea of virgins will be described later in the post).  They would create all salads, cold apps, fried items and plating of charcuterie.

5. The Rover:  In a perfect world, this station would be run by the most talented culinary mind I know, Douglas. He would be positioned in the alley between all the stations. He would see every single plate before it leaves the kitchen. He would place final garnishes and keep tickets organized, making sure the right food went to the right place. He would also know every dish on the menu and be able to hop on any station at anytime to pull people out of the weeds.

Here is a mock up of the kitchen setup:

Yes, it is drawn in crayon. And yes, my food looks better than my artwork.

The Menu 

Our menu would be simple and approachable. The basic menu would change four times throughout the year with the four seasons. It would always consist of 2 fish entrees, 2 grilled meat entrees, a braised meat entrée, 2 pastas, 3 cold apps, 3 hot apps as well as a few salads and various desserts. Instead of having a pastry chef, each cook would be responsible for the creation and execution of one dessert.  There would also be 2 app and four entrée specials everyday. A charcuterie plate would be also be on the menu everyday. It would simply be served on a butcher block and contain a large selection of cured meats, pickled veg and plenty of condiments.  It would constantly be changing as the various sausages and cured meats became ready.  The theme of the menu would not be based on a certain cuisine of the world, but rather on what is fresh and available.

The Chef’s Table

I feel like the idea of having a true chef’s table has been overlooked in our society, we would change that. It would be a table with a full view of the happenings in the kitchen. You would get to see the good and the bad. No menus would be handed out, you would simply be fed what we would like to feed you and it would keep coming until you asked it to stop. The chef who created the dish would bring it to you and fully explain it to you. You would never see a server or need to order a drink. If you are a picky eater, please don’t ask for the chef’s table. Allergies would be taken into consideration, but the experience would be a lot less awesome. Eating at this table you would be treated like royalty.

The Schedule

Closed Mondays (meetings and menu planning would take place as needed)

Open Tuesday through Sunday 3 – 11

Happy hour from 3-5 everyday with drink specials and full menu served

Every first Sunday of the month, the last seating would be at 9, we would re-open from 11-2 for “Family Meal.” It would be a time for people in the service industry to come in and hang out. You would show your food handlers card and pay a flat fee to get in. We would have a keg and some bottles of cheap wine, as well as a few platters of charcuterie and other tasty vittles to enjoy. The music would be loud and it would just be a night full of love between fellow kitchen slaves.

The Basic Daily Routine

9:00 A.M. – I roll in and get prep lists together, finish various paperwork and get set up for the day.  I figure out family meal, get the radio turned on and start rolling out pasta.

12:00 P.M. – Cooks, and externs roll in and start to get to work on their prep lists. Stations begin to get set up and orders are received and put away. Minimal talking takes place to ensure focus.

1:00 P.M. – Specials are put up in the pass and everyone gathers around to taste and discuss any changes that need to be made. We all get our final mise done and proteins pulled.

2:00 P.M.  – Family meal and shit talking commence.

3:00 P.M. – Game faces on and radio turned off. We turn from relaxed and chatty to focused and quiet.

—————————-  Service Commences and we Kill It   ——————————–

9:00 P.M. – I hop off the line, do all of the ordering and get some office work done

11:00 P.M. – Service is done, radio is turned back on and we all rally out putting food away and cleaning up.

12:00 A.M. – Lorenzo breaks down and season’s proteins (always season proteins the night before, thanks to a Judy Rogers). Ryan works on stocks/sauces. Douglas and I make charcuterie magic. One virgin assists where prep is needed and the other one mans the dry erase board. As we work and crack a few beers, we brainstorm specials for the next day and they are all written down on the dry erase board (an extensive collection of cookbooks and reference materials would also be located in the kitchen).

1:00 A.M. – We finalize our specials based on our brainstorming session and place and final orders accordingly. From here we either go our separate ways and head home, or try and get a few cocktails at a local bar before last call.

The “Virgins”

I am referring to people that have little or no experience in a kitchen at all. These are the people we want working here. These are the people we love. We enjoy “bringing them up,” and showing them the things we have learned in our years in kitchens. They are such an important part in the operations of our kitchen.  They would always be treated with respect, but also be put through the school of hard knocks. If they didn’t listen or made a stupid mistake they would be put in their place. If they needed to, they would be allowed to cry and hold their heads in shame. The next day the slate would be wiped clean and they would start fresh. I am not a fan of screaming and yelling in the kitchen, but I also feel like kitchen employees should not be coddled either.

The Front of House

I idolize Chef Michael Carlson of Schwa in Chicago. He has opened a very successful and amazing restaurant without having servers in the dining room. It is every chef’s dream to work in an operation like this, but I don’t feel like I could go that route. I feel like servers are a very important link in a restaurant. The key is hiring servers that give a shit about the food being produced. Servers in my restaurant would have to understand the food being served.  Server training would involve working multiple shifts next to a chef at the pass before ever working the floor. This not only ensures that they would know and understand every dish, but it would also allow them the time to ask any possible question they might have about the food.  On the other hand, I would have all new kitchen employees spend a shift trailing an experienced server and running food. This would also have them gain a respect for the servers as well as understanding the flow of the restaurant. Camaraderie between the front and the back of the house is so important to running a successful shift. I have never worked in a restaurant where this has come to fruition and I would accept nothing less.

The Conclusion

This restaurant would be amazing. Enough said. Now……..where can I get the money to make it happen?

THE ALL STAR TEAM:

Starting on saute: The Puerto Rican Papi Chulo

 Starting On Grill : Bryum Culito

Starting on Pasta:  Coby Coby Na Na Na

Starting at Rover:  Doug the Enforcer